I live my life by quotes that I read, inspiration from other writers, inspiration from other bloggers. The one that struck me most recently was one that said: “Don’t swim oceans for people who won’t cross puddles for you”. And I thought wow. I thought ocean swimming for very little in return was the norm. That a girl like me shouldn’t expect much in return. But no, I don’t believe that in my heart. Because in my mind I go beyond extreme to demonstrate that I love you – I would take on (and have pictured myself) gale force winds, tsunami’s and other life threatening situations to aide my declared love (with much drama and wind blowing). I would. And the minute I feel like I’m not getting it back, I recoil completely, and spit angrily at what I believe is injustice at me, the ever trying, ever innocent, ever mood free somebody.
My son points out that this may be a little bit off the mark, because like for example the mood free thing. Well he rolled his eyes. DRAMATICALLY. And whilst he noted they all appreciated the “dedication”, sometimes some of the “smothering” was a bit much. And also the fact that they do try and show me that they love me. But sometimes I can’t see it. He does blame this on the fact that I have a goldfish memory, and I unfortunately have to agree. I would very happily be walking to the kitchen for something, and by the time I got there, either remembered a reason I was cross with my chickens / support person and strike up a fight, after having say, made everybody tea. I would leave the room and come back and forget we’d fought. Ok erase. That I had fought about something we’d (me) had forgotten about.
But althought I have a memory of a goldfish. I’m moody on a good day, I have ants in the pants insomnia most times, and I strike up firey conversations at the least expected times. I also cry frequently (and sometimes I’m not sure why) and I’m prone to depression. I have other challenges too, but I’m not about the negative life. Because what is happening is that I am becoming demanding about what I want and deserve. And I am prepared to match those demands with standards that are much higher which I impose on myself. Yes, another thing to unlearn. But you’d be surprised at what I have learnt. I can make Peanut Butter fudge. I have my own brand of pizza / pasta / toastie sauce (well marketed exclusively in my fridge). Oh did I say I can make fudge? Because I’m starting to think that I deserve being treated well.
Walking quietly with someone holding their hand. Silent conversations. Lively ones. But never one that is too tired, too sighed out, too supported out. Because that happens. Mental illness is lifelong and this girl has been a massive, huge, challenge. And although I would never ask anyone to do this for me – I do want the tsunami, life threatening situation kinda guy to be rooting for me. If he can come in uniform that would be nice too. Because this goldfish girl is worth that. And my expectations are great. Be part of those who support us as opposed to those who don’t. I am 4 M’s Bipolar Mom.
4 M's Bipolar Mom 